 Dear Stacy  Stacy answers all of your pressing questions about Sparks and offers honest advice about life, love, fashion and anything else on your mind. This Dear Abby with an attitude doesn't fluff-coat anything. Send your questions to: stacy@sparksplug.com Girl needs spanking Dear Stacy: I was like, in desperate need of a spanking and knew you used to have a dungeon there. Has it been closed, if so, will it ever open again? I realize insurance probably won't allow it, but where can I find an outlet for my needs now? - A VERY NAUGHTY GIRL Dear Naughty Girl: Contrary to popular belief and rumor, there has never been a spanking dungeon in the basement, only a couple of dressing rooms for our world famous drag queens Trouble, Honee & Miss Shannon. The only advice I can give is to look out for that Latex group. We've seen most of their stuff here, but because the weather is getting warmer, they are looking for new performance areas, maybe you could invite them for dinner in your basement. Dance all night Dear Stacy: I love the look of platform shoes, and they're fun to wear, but very difficult to dance in all night. Any suggestions? - SHOEGIRL Dear Shoegirl: I would recommend the new line of foam platform shoes made entirely out of foam. They are cute, water and beer proof, and very light and comfortable. Two companies that I am aware of make them: Seychelles & Chinese Laundry. These companies also make cute neoprene shoes (wet suit material). And the best part is that they are fairly inexpensive (Under $40). Call all of your favorite shoe stores and demand them! Not now, honey Dear Stacy: My boyfriend wants to do it but I'm not sure if I'm ready, what should I do? - NOT READY TO PUT OUT Dear Not Ready, I guess you didn't realize that you've just answered your own question. The key here is that you said in your letter that you are not sure, and when it comes to sex, not sure means not ready, translation: NO. There is no sexual encounter worth compromising your personal beliefs over. This would be a good time for you to analize your relationship for yourself. Do you love this person? Do you want a relationship? Is the attraction limited only to a physical one? These are questions you must answer for yourself. I would recommend spending some time alone to discover what you want. Remember, it's ok to have sex for sex, without love. It's ok to have sex without a relationship. And most importantly, it's ok not to, because that is your choice. Besides, if you are looking for an incredible relationship, and if your boyfriend really cares about you he'll understand your decision and hold off on the pressure. No matter what your decision, we offer free safe sex kits and free condoms available nightly at the front desk of Sparks. Lesson in coolness Dear Stacy: I was at Sparks the other night, and I like, noticed that people were dressed really strange. I was wondering, Just where can I get cool clothes so I can fit in and be cool like you? I checked all the malls and, I swear, came up empty. Is there any hope for me or do you think I would have more fun at O'malley's? - SILLY SORORITY SISTER Dear Sister: In my many years of bar-hopping experience, I can truly say that O'Malley's is definitely the shopping mall of bars. And, what's even worse is that they are a strip mall. To put it bluntly, they have lots of things, some are different, but none of them are really what you want. The same with clothing. If you put too much emphasis on what other people are wearing, you will never develop a style of your own. Remember, the Stacy tried and true definition of style... "It's not what you wear, but how you wear it." So, if your wardrobe needs an original update, look in the Yellow Pages and avoid the MAUL... oops! I mean MALL. Til death do us part Dear Stacy:So, I was at Sparks the other night, and I was wondering, how can I get one of those death chicks to go home with me. I tried to tell this one chick wearing nipple clamps that I liked her hair, and she bit me! I'm down to my last straw here, Stacy. Should I brutilize one on the dance floor, corner one in the bathroom, or just throw one over my shoulder? I need to know by tonight, since it's Beer Bust night. - SIMON Dear Simon: This answer could be a bit difficult since you didn't send me a photo. I don't usually have such requests, but situations involving death chicks can be touchy and sometimes require visuals. Basically I need to see if you have a deadly enough look for these death chicks. But regardless, I think your complimentary approach is way too nice and unattractive for these hard-assed babes. Luckily, I went to high school with a multitude of death chicks. Although they carry themselves with aggressive attitudes and behavior patterns, most suffer from some sort of inferiority complex. Because they can be bitter at the world, you need a more assertive approach. Keep in mind, society labels these types as misunderstood because to their lack of communication and willingness to discover the real problems, ie family life, eating disorder, or hereditary bad hair and inbreeding. (After all, it is death chicks in Kentucky.) Remember, they are not angry at you, they just want you to feel bad because they do. So, stop complimenting their hair. Don't compliment their looks, they wouldn't believe you anyway. But don't carry them out of the bar or corner them in the bathroom, a bar employee could mistake the situation for a fight and have you arrested. I would recommend one of the following scenarios: 1) Really Assertive - Handcuff yourself to her and tell her she must search for the key (it's hidden somewhere on your body.) 2) Semi-Assertive - Bring her a whip and tell her to beat you senseless because you don't know why you are attracted to her. 3) Passive - Pop in a NIN cd, crawl on the floor, Tell her you want to be her love slave, and lick her shoes. Although more degrading, #3 is a definite shoe-in, because we women all love shoes... even more than men. If you show this sensitive side, you'll be irresistable. Another satisfied reader Dear Stacy: Thank you so much for your advice. It has helped so much. In fact I read your response to my boyfriend and he decided that he had a question for you. My boyfriend (as well as myself), are both right handed. It is of our opinion that most patrons at Sparks are probably right handed. Statistically, the righties heavily outnumber the lefties. Now, we understand that the bar needs to cater to all types of people, and we have nothing against the lefties, but my boyfriend would like to know why it is that your toilets seem to be designed exclusivly for left handed people. Is there some sort of secret lefties club going on in the background here? I mean what's the deal? Once this was pointed out to me, I noticed it immediatly. I was sitting there taking care of my buisness, and when the time came to flush, I realized when I turned that it was my less talented left hand that was forced to reach over and push the lever. I checked around and sure enough, all the toilets in the bar are designed like this! My boyfriend confirmed that this was true in the men's bathrooms as well. So are we just the unfelt minority complaining about a lack of fairness, or is there some deeper, subversive meaning behind all of this. Doubts have been raised as to how legit Sparks is as a 'free thinking' club. I love your place and would be willing to suffer for the sake of my personal enjoyment and the desire not to create waves, but my boyfriend says that's exactly the same mentality that has started wars and instigated mass genocide. If you could clear this matter up for us, we would both feel a lot better about using the bathroom down at Sparks. And please hurry, because I have to pee pretty bad. And finally... The question to the following letter was lost, but the editor liked the response so much that we are publishing it anyway. Dear Sweet Baboo: On behalf of Sparks, I'm sorry that you let youself be bothered by this freak. However, as a long time customer and now employee at Sparks, we must reflect on the founding principles of this fine establishment of beer and love.... 1) Sparks is an anything goes establishment. Unless you are involved in fights on a regular basis, you have a right to be here. We are the most open-minded bar in this city. 2) If this particular customer keeps harassing you, please inform the front desk. 3) Sparks is the closest thing you can get to NYC in Louisville, and believe me, there are a lot of freaks in NYC. 4) And if Burt is anything like every typical guy, just tell him that you want to be his Ernie. This should freak him out enough to leave you alone forever.
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